It's all about you... right?: Feeling worthy enough to be

It's almost ironic that we live in a time where individualism is a focus, but many are walking around with underdeveloped identities. There's a lot of focus on what's trending or what might look good at first glance. That said, a lot of us are walking around like undercooked cakes: looks great on the outside, but no valuable substance. Just like that cake, we're made up of many things that, when combined in the right amount create something great. But somewhere along the way, we started to rush, adding the extras before allowing our primary purpose to come to life. For many of us, the weight of the appearance is slowly but surely exposing the weak foundation and it's time to course correct.

There are many different ways we get to this reality. For some, a label was placed on us at an early age that we didn't want to challenge so we poured into ourselves quietly while dutifully performing the role that we earned. For others, admiration of someone who seemed to be exactly where we wanted drew us into recreating the parts of them that felt attainable even when it wasn't fully aligned. Or maybe, you're someone who felt like you were always floating along aimlessly; no inner voice for guidance and no strong pull towards anything or anyone, just trying to get through each day. It's important to understand that for many of us, this disconnect has overwritten our default settings. It is in our nature to be curious, analytical, and self-reflective. Those opportunities are lost when we prioritize doing over being. I am inviting you to explore how you can be you instead of playing the role of you.

In my own life I have proven time and time again that I am a super-doer. Everyone who knows me, knows that I get shit done. That natural curiosity I just mentioned? Something that shaped an identity bestowed upon me: the smart one. A straight-A student my whole life, right through my masters degree. Multiple achievement awards, multiple degrees, impressive "big girl job", marriage, overall put-together, and on track to do more. That was who I thought myself to be even though I had passions and callings beyond that. I am compassionate, helpful, solution-focused, and playful, but those things don't really fit in the box of "the smart one". Responsible, reliable, successful; however, were things that were expected of me and so I played that role. Of course every few months I'd break down wondering why I couldn't be the one to make reckless decisions, make mistakes, or just do what I wanted to do. The reason was that I was forcing myself to be this person and starving myself of the things that brought me joy. That needed to stop.

This year I told myself that I'd make a conscious effort to be and stop doing. For me, an achievement-focused person, that meant being very intentional about the way I interacted with things outside of myself in thought and in action. The first change, which would seem benign to most, was vowing to wear my natural hair and nails all year. These simple alterations which should be an extension of self-expression had morphed into something I felt were pivotal to the persona I portrayed. They were something I was choosing to hide behind and gave me a false sense of security; so out the door they went. I also committed to spending more time exploring hobbies. I admired my husband who had activities that helped him turn off autopilot and live in the moment. Luckily, he wanted me to experience the same thing and encouraged this area of development when I told him about my goal. I was always busy, but never doing things that were just fun and allowed me to feel joy. This has been much more difficult in practice, but I continue to explore what's out there to see what fits, even if only for a season.

This goal of being instead of doing is an effort to increase my congruence; or aligning my ideal self with my self-image. Who do I want to be and who do I see myself as? Carl Rogers is the psychologist who coined this term and ultimately posited that incongruence in an individual can lead to vulnerability or anxiousness. The silver-lining to incongruence is that with other factors, it can act as a catalyst for deep change. The discomfort that you feel when you continue choosing to act in ways that aren't genuine, authentic or transparent can only go away when you intentionally start doing the opposite. When you've been playing a role for a long time, there will naturally be a lot of internal friction when you start deviating from that normal. Funny enough, it's almost like a forbidden fruit situation until you realize there's nothing forbidden about being yourself. You created or internalized rules that made showing up authentically a faux-pas and have been paying the price ever since.

Over the past 4 months, allowing myself to be seen and making time for joy have done wonders for my self-concept and overall quality of life. Where I used to be preoccupied thinking about when my next maintenance appointments were, I now find myself admiring my features. I see someone who is worthy of all that she has not because of what she does, but because she is me. In appreciating the uniqueness that is Elize, I have been able to see that the things associated with me can only exist because I am. While I'm still figuring out my hobbies, I remind myself that I don't need to prolong rest and joy. I still challenge myself, but I don't push to prove I can get it done. I welcome breaks and listen to my body when she expresses it's time to change the pace. The absence of urgency doesn't equate to the absence of progress. I've given myself permission to show up for myself and others as the compassionate, helpful, solution-focused, and playful woman I am, whilst maintaining the responsibility, reliability, and success because that's who I am also. These aren't things I need to perform, they are things that make me Elize. Everyday that I act with intention, my foundation strengthens and my relationship with the image changes to center what's important.

Journal prompt: Where have you been performing instead of being? How can you try to move away from that?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you want to embark on your self-discovery journey, Mind the Gap is an in-depth resource that will answer the question "Who am I?".

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Until next time friend!